Dear L.A. Times Columnist T.J. Simers: Get Bent. (An EFFIN' MEMPHIS Recommendation)

Kittens are cute! T.J. Simers is a dick.

Effin' Memphis is a nice place. Effin' Memphis is a happy place. Effin' Memphis is a funny place, for people who love this city despite its shortcomings, and who want to be part of the solution. But Effin' Memphis has a dark side. Effin' Memphis fucking haaaaaaaaates people who shit on this city for no good reason.

Some of you may have seen this shitty little piece of faux-journalism by L.A. Times sports columnist T.J. Simers, formerly of our own Commercial Appeal. Apparently he's in Memphis right now, not that anyone should care, and he has published a little screed which goes like this, basically:

WHINE! I'm in Memphis right now covering the play-offs and I'm such a little pissant troll that I feel the need to write a column in my hometown paper in Los Angeles, a city which the rest of California makes every effort to bypass like a fart in a crowded nightclub, about how much Memphis sucks. WHINE!

Seriously, that's about it. You can read the whole thing if you want, but here is the gist:

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — I've put my life on the line to be here in this rathole with our Clippers. And so I expect more than what I got from them Thursday in a rather flat 12-point loss to Memphis in Game 3. The Clippers played a step slow, as if hesitant to go on the attack, even though that's just a way of life here if you want to survive. True story, and I shouldn't be trashed for reporting the facts: They just put up billboards at the Memphis city limits that read: "Danger: Enter at Your Own Risk. This city does not support public safety." They were paid for by the Memphis Police Assn. I hope you're not planning your next vacation here without a body guard.

Oh, shut the fuck up. We're not commenting on the (really, really horrible, embarrassing PR) campaign by the Memphis Police Association. That's our own issue to deal with, and Memphians will deal with it, as opposed to grousing schmucks who are just so butthurt that their "journalism" jobs are putting them up in nice hotels and letting them go to NBA playoff games for free.

Memphis has its problems. It also has spirit, and history, and, unlike Los Angeles, is not just one big putrid suburb. I could say more, but Effin' Memphis, besides having a dark side, is also classy enough that we wouldn't go to somebody else's city and write back home about what a shithole it is.

So like we said: our official Effin' Memphis recommendation is that T.J. Simers should get bent, and now we will go back to promoting awesome things that awesome people who love this city are doing.

Simers' e-mail address is at the bottom of the link, though. Don't tell anybody we told you.